Poor, Poor AIG

NoQuarter: This is Uppity Woman’s story. My apologies for not changing the author name sooner.

You remember AIG, don’t you? Our dunces in Congress gave them an $85,000,000,000 bailout package during the Great Pre-Election Giveaway.

Poor AIG’s top level managers were so stressed that they immediately took a well-deserved trip to a spa to the tune of nearly half a million dollars—from the Bailout line of credit money. But they were stillstressed, poor babies! So some of them went partridge hunting in England and layed out nearly $90,000 there.

Well today, AIG’s management is all stressed again. So they went for the very best de-stressor they know–the American tax payer.

AIG now says they need to renegotiate the terms of their loan because nobody wants to buy parts of their shitty business that they ran into the ground. Their interest rate is too high, poor babies! And they can’t pay back the principal because they’re in a ditch. That’s right, we gave $85 billion to a company that’s in a ditch and is staying in a ditch. How many of you recall our Congressional Geniuses telling us that we taxpayers will make a BUNDLE when AIG sells off all it’s wonderful assets?

I mean, it’s not like they didn’t get a nice low double-digit interest rate like all those credit card companies charge consumers or anything right? No! They had to suffer with a single digit rate of 8.5%. So now they need to re-negotiate the terms of their loan.

Say, I have an idea: I think everybody should call their credit card companies in the morning and tell them you need to re-negotiate your interest rate right now and see how well that works out for you. And we bailed some of THEM out too.

Here comes the threat line:

Taxpayers may lose money unless the AIG bailout is restructured to reduce the need for quick sales, said shareholders including former CEO Maurice “Hank” Greenberg, who controls the largest block of privately held AIG stock.

Hey “Hank!”! Don’t make me look up how many MILLIONS you walked away with. I’m really sorry you control the largest block of stock. Company gifts while you were there pillaging? Just asking. Life must really suck, Hank. No wonder you think “renegotiating” is a great idea. It’s a great idea for YOU! The “taxpayers” already lost money the day they gave you pigs an $85 billion line of credit.

Now the AIG argument is, their assets are worth less than they should be worth. So if we could just drag this out a couple of years, maybe somebody will want to buy an asset when it’s worth more. Well, AIG, I would like to inform you that my house is worth less too. And so is my 401k. Do you think that Americans can just call up their lenders and whine for a ‘renegotiation”? Where do Americans get a sugar daddy like the one you’ve got? Wait a minute….they ARE your sugar daddy!

Here’s AIG’s current CEO, fresh from the spa and partridge hunting trip. I know you feel really really sorry for him. Just like he feels really really sorry for you. He looks so pale. Perhaps a company trip to a tropical island might be in order.

Update: Congress apparently feels even more sorry for AIG and Mr. Greenberg’s holdings than we do. They are going to give AIG another $41,000,000,000.