what stage are you in?

I haven’t been doing much writing the last few days, instead I have been thinking, reading and observing. I just finished reading the threads from Welcome Back, Find Some Reason, and Larry’s comments:

“I take back nothing I have written about Barack and Michelle Obama. That said, I don’t want to see them destroyed or to fail. For the sake of our country I hope that Barack has a successful Presidency. While I am not happy he is in the big chair, it is what it is. I do not require anyone to bow down at the altar of Obama. But I also do not prohibit or ban folks who do. For me the beauty of America is our diversity. We have got to learn how to disagree without going into pure visceral hatred.”

and, “I simply point out the reality that he will be sworn in as President. And at that point we judge him by what he does and not what he was. Is that fair?”

Reading all the comments by all of you, and emails from my family and friends, I am still as perplexed as ever. How do we move forward? How do we hold the DNC accountable for all the crap they pulled this election cycle? How do we still hold Obama’s feet to the fire on his promises, and his policies, but hope for a positive outcome for our country?

How do we *move on* after suffering personal attacks, witnessed character assassinations on some of our favorite people, and witnessed the most vile sexist attacks on women across the country, (Hillary supporters were victims to many sexist attacks on blogs and in the media.) as well as on two leading women in our government. It was impossible for many to not take those attacks personally.

As angry as many of us are, or were, or will always be, I don’t think that anyone truly wants America to *fail*. Perhaps there still are those who want Obama’s presidency to fail, but a country as a whole? I don’t think anyone really wants that. They want justice. People, in my opinion, are feeling victimized, and want justice. Some are demanding justice.

But there are also people in this country who are truly worried, even scared. Their businesses are failing, their nest eggs are drying up, we are watching our banks and car companies fail. Healthcare is…well, you know. People are scared. And some people, whether they voted for Obama or not, are at a point where they are hoping for a successful four years – because they NEED it. It is serious. And people are scared and worried.

I read some comments in response to UBM, that it is easy for those who *won* to come and kiss and make up, or gloat. And that is true. They *won*. They are happy. They are moving on. But, many of us, are not there yet.

It is very similar to the 7 stages of grief. (and I don’t mean this in a joking way…I see very similar patterns. And I am sure I will get mocked for this, but I think it is important.) And I am not trying to reduce people’s feelings to a flow chart. I am trying to understand and deal.

People process differently. Some people deal, and move on. Some people grieve for long periods of time. Some people take things so personally, like they have been punched in the gut, others laugh things off.

But, I think it is a disservice to tell those who are feeling as if they are grieving from the past two years, to *get over it*. Larry or Susan are NOT doing that – but I do think it is happening, whether Obama supporters here, or on many of the sites I read. And I do think that some people are moving forward faster than others. People will *get over* it – if and when they are ready – and that may be never, for some.

Like I said in my first post after the 4th, I want to *feel good* about what had happened but I remember too much, and am still too angry. I still get pissed about things that happened. But, I want to try and get to a point where I am hopeful, and think that we can fix all that *ails us*. I do, I know that people are really truly worried, and truly are praying/hoping/wishing for change/help/relief – putting the *Obamamania* aside. (I would love to be excited about the prospect of Hillary as SoS, but after all the VP rigamoroll, I am hesitant to even ponder the possibilty. And I wasn’t sure if I could stomach the new round of attacks that were sure to come – talking to you Tweety and Hitchens!)

Just as important as Obama’s victory was to his 65M supporters, the damage and ridicule and attacks and stolen delegates and voter fraud and sexism was just as real to those who supported Hillary or McCain and Palin. Having spent two years, glued to my computer, writing and reading and absorbing all I could, it was very personal and very real.

I have said before, that from the moment I typed *I support Hillary* on the keyboard, I was attacked and called racist, stupid, voting for a vagina, an idiot, and worse. Perhaps I am a sensitive idiot, but I lost sleep and even was brought to tears a few times by the attacks (from people at HuffPo). But I never gave up. I left those types of sites, but I never gave up. It was my right to fight for Hillary, and I tried. So, for people to tell me it isn’t real, or that I should get over it, just don’t understand, or know me at all.

I think one of the worst things about this whole process is the shear lack of respect for *the other side* and for our choices, and now for our *feelings*. (I know, I know… mock away). Personally, from the moment I began this quest, Obama supporters destroyed any chance of civil exchange, where I was concerned. It was so bad, I found myself huddled with fellow Clinton supporters in a handful of sites, where trolls were somewhat limited. I read NQ daily, but didn’t comment much, just because I couldn’t take the personal attacks/trolls.

And I don’t understand why someone like Undercover Black Man (sorry, UBM but you are topical at the moment) intentionally sought out to mock PUMAs and ridicule those not supporting Obama. Isn’t backing your candidate of choice your right? Aren’t our opinions and thoughts just as valid as anyone’s? Why does the failure to conform and join the Hope Express result in charges of racism? I think civil debates on qualifications, experience, judgment and policies would have been so much more productive. I honestly feel that my attitudes towards Obama and the things I chose to write about and discuss suffered because of the attacks I had suffered from the get go, and then the actions of the DNC, and the atrocious media. I became a bitter, angry Obama hater. And that is not an easy thing to get over.

All I wanted to do was debate, and exchange ideas and information and learn some things, and be involved. I was so excited about the prospect of Hillary becoming President, something I had been waiting 12 years for. And then, having an African American, and a Hispanic in the mix was just *too cool*! But, instead of a *dream team* year, it became a nightmare.

But, I don’t want to live in this nightmare, and I don’t want to remain bitter and angry. I like being happy, and positive and I want our country to do well! (I would be MUCH happier if Hillary were Commander in Chief…) but it is not to be. No matter how pissed I am about it, how it became so, and the things that were done, it is what it is. Now, I just need to figure out how to take that anger and make positive changes. Whether that means campaigning against him in 4 years, or fighting alongside HLF and others to change the system, or voting out all those who supported Obama, and boycotting all those stations that we now hate, or sucking it up, and trying to do what I can to be positive, or whatever! I still haven’t figured it out.

We, as a country went through an enormous shock on 9/11, and since that time, we have gone to war, lost more than 4000 soldiers, suffered massive drops on the stock market, seen videos of terrorist threats, had the anthrax scares, seen rising costs in housing, gas, food and healthcare, our image has suffered around the world. And this election was very, very important to all of us here. Whether you voted Obama or Hillary, or McCain, it was very important for all of the reasons I listed, and more (Many AA Obama supporters had their own real reasons). We supported our candidate because of all that we have been through, and seen, and we felt that person to be the best to lead us through. It was personal, and it was real. (who knows, maybe the guys on the park benches DID vote for a reason…)

So, after reading all the hundreds of comments, my whole point was to demonstrate how, I believe, people are in a a sense going through the seven stages of grief. And it is a process that everyone needs to go through, at their own pace. (and I do not think the seventh stage – HOPE – means that you have to swallow the kool-aid, and worship at the feet of Obama, I just think it is a stage where we discover our own way to move forward, however that may be. I think I am feeling a little bit of stage four…)

So, I am not trying to preach, or tell people to get over it, or to act like I am some psychotherapist. My intent is to just let those *doubters* out there know, that for many of us, the feelings are deep and they are real.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

I also think this site has some similarities into how some people are feeling. I know I do. From Victim to Survivor, The Emotions of the Abuse Survivor.

I love debate. I love alternate thought. That is how I learn. As someone said, without alternative thought, we are an echo chamber. All I, *personally* wish, is that we are civil. I am not saying we can’t swear, I love swearing, dammit. But, rabid attacks are just crazy. I am even one who loves good conspiracy theories. I think they are sometimes fun….but that is just me. Heck, there is even room to learn while searching out theories…. I just wish the internet wasn’t so anonymous, and people discussed and debated as if they were in the same room together. (so, don’t get mad at NQ, this is just my own opinion.)

And, one other note… man, get me started and I never shut up… I want to thank NQ and the writers and Hill supporters here who were a gift this past year. I love ya, man! Thank goodness I found ya’ll!

Ok, let the mocking and/or debate begin. :O)
(I say mock, because I know how other sites like to point back at us, and mock…)