[Updated] President-Elect Obama prepares for unconditional talks with Mumbai terrorists

[Updated throughout.]

Copyright © 2008 Uppity Woman. All Rights Reserved.

It takes preparation, you know.

I mean, preparing for Unconditional talks with savages who want to kill everybody in your country is no easy feat, ya know. You gotta get into the right mindset.

Then you just stroll on over to them and tell them it’s not nice to blow people up. You pat them on the back, careful not to touch their AK-47s, and you tell them:

“Come on guys! This is not cool! Okay?

“Besides, you are all interfering with all the American jobs we outsourced here in India. Dell customer service is going to be hurt. So cut it out, will ya?”

I’ll give you Israel if you cut this terrorism crap out and make me look good to my subjects, okay?

Just in case that doesn’t seem to work, you say,

“Be nice and I won’t send Hillary to do my job for me!”

Then of course, because you are The One, and because they have funneled millions into the back door of your campaign, knowing you are a true touch-hole who actually believes your own bullshit and takes their word as their bond, they say:

“Okay Dude! No problem! Kumbaya!”

Then everybody dances in the street while they wait for Hamas and Osama Bin Laden to arrive and apologize profusely to Jews and all Christians. Ossy promises not to kill any more infidels or even use the word “Infidel” ever again. Everyone forgives him, hugs all around, and Israel volunteers to give up their small patch of Democracy and join everybody back into the 14th century. Barack Obama’s special Election Call Center volunteers over at the Gaza Strip hear the news and cheer, along with the three brothers in the Hamas Compound who donated $30k for Barack Obama T-Shirts.

The One apologizes to India for forgetting to call them after his election, particularly since it was publicized and he is sure Al Queda read it. India promises not to act too modernized in the future so as not to insult anybody in the region. Then they all sing their special anthems and chant their special chants and watch the veil dancers. Several women volunteer to be raped 50 times in honor of their special hand-picked guests from Pakistan, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Taliban performs a special ceremony whereby they shoot the women in the heads in the presence of all– for Honor. Iran invites everyone for a tour of their nuclear facility. Putin walks up to the Georgians and tells them he wants to learn Democracy and can they teach him and the other KGB people The Way? The One shoots Putin a sideways glance for that. Let’s not go TOO far.

It’s a joyous time for Civilization, which everyone agrees has been over-rated all along.

Then they all throw down their AKs in a huge pile and dance together (men with men, women with women, so as to be politically correct). Everyone invites his enemies over for some nice curried food and any silly women who have not seen The Light are gifted with lovely training burkhas.

Google removes all negative references to the meeting with The One. And they all live happily ever after.

We here in America are so grateful for his wisdom and flawless effectiveness, we declare a Barack Obama Day. No, make that Barack Obama Week. Oh hell, let’s just go for the whole month!

Nobody works during that month either, which is okay since the Government is going to take care of everybody anyhow. We hold a parade every day and nobody gets in any arguments during any of the parades. The American Communist, Socialist and Marxist/Leninist parties each have a float in the parades, with gratitude for their revival from the grave. Everybody holds up DOWN WITH CAPITALISM signs and everyone cheers for the Glorious Cause. Bill Ayers is the guest speaker at the rally after the parade, and Bernardine Dohrn tosses flowers from a basket to all the subjects. Those who cannot attend, such as annoying old people and pesky disabled people who are a drain on society, can view the parades on every channel on their television sets.

After the parade, we all go over to the White House lawn and party. You will need a ticket though. You can get those at President Obama’s web site. There is preferential treatment for Golden Ticket Buyers at $1000–just like at the convention. You get first nibs at the baby back ribs and you may even be allowed to stand in the same air space as The President. Everybody else gets the injured chicken parts, which is good because by this point, nobody can afford chicken either, except the government. Cheap tickets also get a glimpse of Michelle in her latest Target-Inspired fashion. Ludicrous and other lesser rappers perform their best Camelot-Inspired Kill The Bitch music in the background and everybody bounces in tandem to the hip hop while they feast. JFK, Jackie and Pablo Casals would be so proud. Futher back, the Obama family enjoys the steak and lobster while snickering quietly at the subjects and how easy it is to placate them.

Government chickens are GOOD chickens. If you are good, the government will give you a whole chicken of your own! But I digress.

I can do that, it’s my blog.

** Art by our own Freedom Fairy, of course.