It Could Have Been Your Daughter
By Amy Siskind on November 2, 2009 at 10:30 AM in Current Affairs
Reprinted from TheDailyBeast.com with the express permission of Amy Siskind, founder of The New Agenda, an organization dedicated to improving the lives of women and girls.
The brutal gang rape of a 15-year-old girl in Northern California last weekend is a wake-up call for all parents.
You’ll be curious to know how I first learned of the gang rape of a 15 year-old girl in Richmond, California.
A few days ago, the blog for The New Agenda, a women’s advocacy organization that I helped co-found, got hundreds of hits from search engines looking for “gang rape teenage girl.” Regrettably, our stories show that the Richmond attack, while horrific, is not an anomaly. Young women are more vulnerable to violence than any other age group.
Parents beware: Our daughters are in danger and the statistics are staggering. And as details emerge about the two-and-a-half hour episode, we must use the Richmond case as a teachable moment on gender-based teen violence.
Here’s what the Richmond case signifies, plain and simple: Gender-based assault has become an acceptable norm in our country.
Of course, as usual, our media screwed it up. A major cable network grouped the Richmond case with other attacks on teenagers—males and females—and attempted to make this a youth-violence issue. The print media set out on its victim-blaming mantra: “Sure, the victim was sober during the dance, but had she been drinking before the attack?” “She asked for it, right?” “It’s like the college girl who goes to hang out with one guy and ends up getting raped by eight…well, she chose to go to the fraternity.” Or like the media’s search for what the pop star Rihanna could possibly have done to upset her mild-mannered ex-boyfriend Chris Brown that would make him almost strangle her to death.
Here’s what the Richmond case signifies, plain and simple: Gender-based assault has become an acceptable norm in our country.
A not-for-profit group called Parents Television Council released a report this week titled “Women in Peril.” The shocking findings: From 2004 to 2009, incidents of violence on prime-time broadcast television increased 2 percent; in the same period, scenes of violence against women increased 120 percent. And, the kicker: There was a 400 percent increase in the depiction of teen girls as victims.
No wonder the rape onlookers in Richmond were enjoying a free look-see while they filmed with their cell phones. It’s just like sitting at home in the den—watch a few broads get knocked around on the tube, then run down a few “whores” in a video game, glance at a few half-naked girls in a magazine, and then pick up the cell phone for some afternoon sexting.
This is a wake up call, parents: Our teenage girls are in danger. Nearly half of teen girls who have been in a relationship say they have been victims of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse by their boyfriends. And if you are reading about the Richmond case and thanking goodness that your daughter is home safe, think again: One in five girls will be raped by time they are 24 years old. Richmond’s church-going honor student, who was attacked on her way home from a homecoming dance, could be your daughter next.
So here’s a challenge to the White House: Let’s use the Richmond case as a teachable moment. Wouldn’t it be incredible if our President would give a speech on escalating gender-based teen violence—just as he pounced on Gates’ Gate for a teachable moment on race? Or perhaps our First Lady or Valerie Jarrett, Chair of the White House Council on Women and Girls, could open a national dialogue on what is happening to our teenage daughters.
In the interim, here’s a call to action for moms and dads: It’s time to talk. It’s time to sit down with our sons and daughters and explain what is, and what is not, acceptable behavior (and there are many references to help). And next week, send a letter to the principal at your children’s middle school or high school to make sure teen dating violence is in the curriculum. This we can do immediately and become our own grassroots force of change.
And the longer-term solution is this: Elect more leaders with a sensitivity to the issues surrounding gender-based assault. A state senator in New York told me in a radio interview that the best way to tackle the crisis would be to elect more women. As if to underscore her point: When NY State Senator Hiram Monserrate refused to step down after being found guilty of misdemeanor assault connected to slashing his girlfriend’s face, it was NY State Senator Liz Krueger who led the charge to try to force his resignation. And she was followed closely by Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, who was also an early voice for Monserrate’s resignation.
Silence is the great enabler of gender-based assault. As our country notches yet another gang rape, we must all start talking.
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Ms. Siskind has appeared on CNN, Fox, and PBS. Ms. Siskind also writes for HuffPo and MORE.<
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More speeches? Not unless any words uttered to address this topic, from either BO or MO, begin with, ‘I am so sorry for fostering this climate of misogyny through my despicable conduct (toward HRC), for example…’;
Yeah, he pounced on Gates-gate, but I will bet $500 that he never addresses this. Why? Because he doesn’t care, that’s why. He, a father of two girls, proved that much during the election while he, at best, stood by for the Clinton bashing. At worst, he engineered it, and I’d put money on that, too.
I agree that Obama owes us a huge apology for all he did (which we all know we won’t get), but I do think that the starry-eyed know-it-all Obama-lovers may benefit from him making a speech condeming this type of behavior (and the misogyny in rap, which he certainly won’t do). If their big hero addresses it, it may help some of them shape up.
But given that he only made his big race speech because he screwed up by hanging out with Wright(so his “apology” was to distract by talking about how WE are racist, not himself), he probably wouldn’t make a big gender/violence speech unless he was trying to get out of something and wanted to distract again…
I wrote the president and Dick Durbin and said Obama should apologize to American women for using the rap song “I Got 99 Problems but a Bitch Ain’t One of Them” for his campaign theme song and he should set an example for men by denouncing the misogyny of his campaign and in the liberal media.
Dick Durbin wrote back and gave me a list of the women’s groups he support and said he’s protecting the funding for those groups–nothing at all to do with this sort of incident.
Considering his attitude towards Hillary and Sarah, do you really think that Obama can be bothered to do anything concrete about this violence? At most he will make a speech and it will be all better, right?
No offense, but the President loading the teleprompter with a speech is not going to change this. And people that actually talk to their kids, probably don’t have kids doing this stuff. Parents are MIA and that is the problem. Many of them were conceived simply for an increased check from the nanny state.
The one thing that would be positive involving the president would be instead of inviting sexist, violent rappers to parties and fundraisers - he should call them out or someone should call out Obama for his complicity.
Our culture is rotten. I have come to agree with the religious nuts that America has turned away from God and towards “Almighty Man” and the result is hell on Earth.
Where were the police or security guards? In a town where funds are low, they cut back on law enforcement where high security is needed. In Chicago, Mayor Daley wants the police and firefighters to take 5 weeks of unpaid leave, which will leave the streets even more vulnerable to violence thaan they already are. This seems to also be a growing trend where budgets are being cut right and left.
susan: the interesting thing is that the cops were inside the school and they saw the adult men standing around in a group outside but did nothing. Most of the people who attacked this girl were not students, they were adult men loitering around the school.
a. I wonder if the police are afraid of these street hoods, I certainly saw that when my kids were in public school.
b. I bet these men have done this crime before and they thought the homecoming dance would be a good place to grab a victim. I still don’t buy the stuff that she was waiting for her dad and went off to drink with a boy. If she’d called her father and knew he was on the way, why on earth would she take off and start drinking with a group of men? Doesn’t make any sense.
Well, I do not and will never agree with the “religious nuts.” Comments after 9/11 that the attacks were God’s punishment from turning away from the Christian way were disgusting as are the freaks who disturb military funerals, saying our young women and men deserved what they got because they’re fighting for a country that supports and promotes homosexuality and abortion.
Disgusting!
And these people consider themselves Christians? I don’t know what they’re reading but there’s a reason they’re called nuts or the fringe.
However, I do agree that we’ve walked away from parental accountability. Morality is not simply bolstered by the Church but resides and emanates from the family, whatever that family structure is. Do what I say, not what I do doesn’t work.
I can tell you quite honestly, I told my sons that if they ever put a hand on a woman they would deal with me directly and not pleasantly, that I would personally drag them home by the short hairs and they would rue the day.
And before I ever married, I told my husband if he ever hit me, I would leave. The first time would be the last time. He was shocked, asked me what sort of man I thought he was. My answer? I don’t know yet but I want to be perfectly clear. There will no hitting, no abuse, period.
So, yes. I think women need to stand up to this. We need to be firm and clear and unequivocal. And men need to be standing beside us: saying No! And our sons need both parents, mothers and fathers, to serve as examples of respect and decency.
The family is the frontline!
I had a conversation with my son after this gang-rape in which I told him I expected him to never be the kind of person who would stand by and watch something like this without going for help. He was furious with me for even suggesting he might be somwone who would watch and do nothing. I don’t care. I want him to hear my words in his head if he should ever find himself in such a situation. And from the looks of the statistics, it’s more likely than we think.
Lana said:
“I want him to hear my words in his head if he should ever find himself in such a situation.”
Absolutely agree, Lana. Our sons need to hear these words, coming from us. Ideally, it would come from both parents.
Would it be good for our politicians to voice outrage, to speak to this rising violence against women? Yes, of course.
But those politicians don’t live in my home, don’t have the influence that I have as a parent with boots on the ground.
Our kids learn through example. And we, the parents, are the frontline teachers.
Peggy Sue, Thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right. I tend to be the parent who takes on the “heavy discussions.” My husband shows much respect for the women in his life (his mom, me, and our daughter) but how much more powerful would this be for the words to come from him?
I bet every boy in America and his parents think he would never be the “kind of boy who would do something like that” but some boy, somebody’s son is committing violent acts every day.
I took a social psychology class a long time ago and one idea that particularly stood out was that while people can imagine what they might do or might not do in a particular situation, they cannot know for sure until actually faced with it.
A boy can imagine that he would be the first one to call the police or come to a girl’s rescue, but when faced with other boys’ taunts and pressure to be in the boys club, he may very well stand by and watch if not actively participate.
That’s exactly what I told my son. As I said, he was furious that I would even have that conversation with him. I told him all those mothers of those boys watching probably thought their kids would never stand around and watch.
Nobody is talking about what is probably the real culprit here, and that is the easy available of hardcore porn on the Internet.
Studies show that men who consume porn regularly are more likely to be violent towards women.
As a free speech advocate I can’t justify an outright ban on porn, but we could use some counter-programming and consciousness raising about it.
For one thing, stop the glorification of strippers on our tv shows. Women who are participating in pole dancing classes are also participating in our porn culture.
I could go on.
But THAT is the issue. Electing more women, sure an admirable goal, but it’s the culture that’s the problem.
Can we at least mention the video game Grand Theft Auto, where players get points for both raping then beating up female prostitutes?
(Here comes the video game defense crowd, “video games do not cause rape” etc etc. Fine, do not ban the hideous GTA game. But with the first amendment can we at least mention what is in this hideous game?)
While I believe that part of that video game is horrific, I personally think that has a much less effect than watching hours upon hours of hardcore porn starring REAL women. And seeing it legitimized through things like Girls Gone Wild, which was regularly advertised on Comedy Central.
Let us not forget these boys TOOK PICTURES AND VIDEO at the scene of the rape. PORN is the issue here…and I wish someone would speak out about it.
I was reminded of the porn angle this weekend as well in a discussion of the extremely light cultural attitudes towards sex assaults in Japan. How a country with “Rape Man” as an actual comicbook superhero could still be #54 in world rankings of reported rapes per capita (they don’t include marital rape or incest) is mystifying. The numbers are surging, but not surprisingly still estimated to be majority under-reported.
Imagine the US with a well established, “rape genre” to the pop culture, students at an elite university running a ‘rape club’ and legislators literally joking about the virility of gang rapists and you get a minor taste of the injustices women of that country face down on a daily basis.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/09/02/world/main571280.shtml
Yoko Yoshida, a staff member at the Tokyo Rape Crisis Center, said the wink-and-nudge attitude is grounded in a popular culture that often depicts rape as an act of passion, not violence, and that women who resist don’t really mean it.
Myths are perpetuated by an underground pop culture in which rape is a common genre.
Rape-themed videos account for about a fifth of the porno offerings at chain rental stores, with titles like “Idol Rape Crime File” ranking among the top five in weekly X-rated sales. Popular comic books and video games often depict rape fantasies where teenage girls, nurses and housewives willingly submit to rapes and other sex assaults from relatives, neighbors or even police. A 17-year-old high school student arrested in June for allegedly raping 31 women reportedly told police he was trying to re-enact scenes he saw in porno books and magazines.
That is for sure, my representative is Betty McCullum and my senator is Amy Klobuchar and although I called and called to plead with them to speak out against the hate directed first towards Hillary Clinton and then towards Sarah Palin but they didn’t care/couldn’t be bothered/ or just didn’t have the courage - Who knows. What I do know is that the both of them need to be retired from public office.
My cousin and his wife are University professors and they have a daughter who had to flee a marriage due to physical abuse. And they were emailing me stories that were just nasty personal attacks on Sarah Palin - it made my head swim. I bet they still don’t get the connection.
The idea that violent porn– the visual depiction of what would be crimes if the acts were proven real being committed against women– can be construed as “speech” says something in and of itself.
But I believe you have it backwards: it seems far more likely that the reason men enjoy violent porn is that they like raping women and not vice versa: after all rape certainly preceded porn and occurs with frequency in countries with limited porn as well as those with readily available porn. The commonality of rape is that it is a violent crime overwhelmingly committed by men and largely against women and girls though also against men and boys.
If one were to look for societal inducements for rape, then religion must top the list. Telling some instrinsically violent f#cker that he’s made in the image of god (leaving the devil for you) seems a poor policy, jmo.
Men rape women because they enjoy raping women and they are assisted by patriarchal society to condone this by classifying women as evil.
Look, I agree that porn and video games and slutty movies and filthy rap songs all contribute to making parenting a very, very hard job.
But, I’m sorry. Parenting is the key. We have to give our kids a sound foundation. Doesn’t mean our kids won’t get into trouble. Teenagers and 20-somethings and trouble are synonymous. Kids make mistakes. As parents, we hope those mistakes aren’t life altering and that our kids learn by the mistakes they make.
Hell, I was a kid once. I made plenty of mistakes and wrong turns.
But gross violence is different. And rape is a crime of violence. Something that we can fight. And we can fight it on the homefront. By example. By bringing home the message that violence is not the way you solve problems. By insisting that violence against women is wrong, always. And in fact, violence in personal relationships is unacceptable, period.
Doesn’t mean we have to raise our kids to be doormats. Sometimes a bully will provoke and lash out. Do you defend yourself? Of course. But you do not strike those who are weaker, more vulnerable, less than you.
I’m sorry, this is common sense from where I sit. We have to stop blaming everything outside ourselves. That’s not to say that there are rare cases when despite a parent’s best efforts that a child doesn’t go wrong, horribly. But they’re the exception to the rule, a child with deep seated problems that slide under the radar.
Parenting is the hardest thing I ever undertook. It takes time and energy and unlimited patience. It takes more love than you ever thought you had. It takes everything.
And you have to be willing to give it that. Or you’re playing with fire.
Our sons and daughters deserve everything we have. You want to talk about raising a healthy nation?
Start with your kids. Or shut up about it.
Boys aren’t born rapists. Girls aren’t born victims. They learn that from adults around them. Us.
Hillary: While I am all in favor of electing women, I can hardly believe it would be the panacea. Look at Nancy Pelosi and so many other women in Congress who are cracked from her mold.
I do think media is the biggest culprit for sex and violence being glamorized to our kids. What worries me the most is Rap music. It’s violence and misogynistic all at the same time.
BTW, I feel it is a mistake to simply point at increased depiction of teenage victims in TV shows. The first thought that comes to my mind is, what is the context?
If the teenage victims being shown increased because of, say, Law and Order Special Victims Unit, I can’t find that to be necessarily a bad thing. Some of these shows are trying to show the bad things out there and work to raise awareness of it.
This is why I think just stating a stat like that does not have much impact. We need to clarify the TYPE of depiction, whether it was exploitative or not. Also, we MUST start talking more about porn.
This article just misses the mark for me in so many ways. I think the leaders at New Agenda need to start thinking more critically and get more to the heart of the matter. Maybe backing up and doing some studying of a variety of feminist thinkers will help.
Great post Amy, thank you.
I will forward your words to help others.
I saw a Fox News debate on this crime between Mark Garagos (celebrity defense lawyer) & a lady prosecutor. She immediately suggested prosecuting any participants or on lookers (if video taping was involved) for possession of child porn. Garagos argued he needed to know more & perhaps the victim was willing & being “sexed” in or out of a gang. Statutory rape would still apply, even if that were the case, as the victim is a minor. It appears some of the rapists were minors themselves & it ticks me off that even if convicted they will only face a few years as juvenile offenders. Juvenile offender status was introduced to expunge minor violations, so as to not ruin some kids life for a minor infraction NOT to provide a get out of jail card for serious felons & I hope all the scumballs will be tried as adults. If they’re found guilty I hope the victim also sues their parents civilly. That would provide a real deterrent in the community; unfortunately it would also require the victim to stay involved perhaps for years.
Even if the girl WAS a willing participant in some sort of sex, I highly doubt she was willing to be a part of something so brutal. She was unconscious! There’s no excuse and I can’t believe some people are even considering the possibility of an excuse. http://www.newsy.com/videos/girl_gang_raped_while_others_watched
Not just unconscious, but drunk. Perhaps it’s a state law, but here in California, it’s illegal to have sex with a drunk person, because they can’t give consent. So here it would be a moot point if she had said “yes” to even one attacker (which I doubt she did - how many people have sex with an audience?), because her “yes” wouldn’t have been informed.
lorac: I read in one article that the men tried to talk her into having sex with them and she refused. That’s when they attacked her.