Dems Are Moms, Reps Are Dads
By Steve_in_KC on June 28, 2009 at 6:07 AM in Current Affairs, Humor
I’ve thought for a long time that Democrats seem comfortable in the role of mothers, while Republicans like to think they are the father figures of America. I’m not talking about the kind of father who is a deadbeat alcoholic who cheats on his wife while she’s at work… well, maybe that’s not such a stretch for Republicans, now that I think about it.
I think it’s safe to say that if these political parties represent a family, it’s dysfunctional at best.
Democrats want to mother everybody, and that’s good in general, although it can be a bit stifling. Some of the mothers reading this might take offense at this idea, but ideally, everyone should aspire to taking care of ourselves without Mom coming over every day to clean and cook for us. I mean, Mom’s great, but jeezus, sometimes you just need her to mind her own damn business and let you live your life as an adult. She rearranges things in the kitchen, puts blue stuff in your toilet, and irons your wash’n'wear shirts. You just don’t need all that much help!
Republicans as dads are even worse. They not only demand you be perfect (or just like them, or both), they’ll refuse to help you out when you make a mistake! They figure that’s the only way you’ll learn your lesson. “OK, have it your way,” Dad says as you ignore his advice against eating a habanero pepper for the first time. He watches smugly as you defiantly bite into it, then laughs his ass off as you yell and start gulping water. Then comes his coup de grace: “Just wait’ll it comes out the other end!” And he laughs some more.
OK, enough with the similes. My point is that it seems like the Republicans want to do what is best for us as a nation, as they interpret it, but when push comes to shove, they’re willing to let you hurt yourself or otherwise pay dearly for ignoring their advice. They are not always right, as in correct, but they are always sure they are right. In their defense, they would put their lives on the line to protect you from others, but if you want to hurt yourself, they’ll let you. In fact, they think it builds character for you to suffer. It’s good for you! But for themselves, they have most of the money and power, and they plan to keep it that way. They always keep the lion’s share for themselves. They make damn sure of that.
Democrats, by and large, are more likely to want to make you “be good.” They want everybody to be happy, but sometimes their good intentions backfire. They want everybody to feel special. But if everybody is special, nobody is special. Sometimes you just want what’s yours, what you’ve earned, and to hell with everyone else. But Democrats, like some mothers, are more socialistic. They insist you share everything, eat the same food, and wear the same clothes. It’s like Communism!
Take for example the mother who insists you share your Hallowe’en candy stash with your whiny little brother (who makes you sick with his fake crying). Mom says, “You’ve got more than enough for both of you, now you need to share!” Doesn’t matter that the little punk was too lazy to do his own trick-or-treating! You walked over 20 blocks in a stifling mask for that bag of treats. It was supposed to last you till next year! Meanwhile, little brother is making faces at you from behind Mom’s skirt.
Dad steps into the fray and says, “Give me that bag! If you can’t get along, neither one of you gets any candy!” He grabs the candy bag and takes it to his bedroom, where he starts digging through it for himself!
Now you’re mad. It’s all the little brother’s fault, and he’s gonna pay! But Mom sees that look you’re giving him, the one that burns holes in the wall behind him, and she decides she’d better do something before someone gets hurt. She marches into the bedroom to retrieve the candy from Dad, who by now is sucking melted chocolate from his fingers and the Milky Way wrappers in his lap.
Mom grabs what’s left of the candy and takes it into the kitchen, where she puts it on the top shelf, behind the old china passed down from her mother-in-law. She brings back two little packages of Smarties, gives one to each of the kids, promising you each get one piece of candy a day… “if you’re good”. This makes little brother happy, but you’re still pissed and thinking revenge. Mom is all proud of herself for being the peacemaker. She’s also thinking about which candy she’ll be munching on tomorrow while you’re at school.
Then there’s a crash in the kitchen! Pieces of broken china fly across the room as Dad yells some words you haven’t heard before. Mom grabs a broom and tells you kids to stay out of the kitchen. She sweeps up the worst of the broken stuff while Dad slips out the back door with the candy. Mom yells at him to stop, but he knows better and rushes to the garage, where he hides the candy in his gun locker.
Mom knows the candy is gone, and the kids are now fighting again, but she knows how to solve the problem. She packs the kids in the car and takes them out for ice cream!
Meanwhile, Dad takes advantage of being alone. He gets in his own car, stops at the liquor store, and rushes over to his girlfriend’s house for a quickie. She’s also his attorney, by the way. You know how Republicans are. They’re all in bed together behind our backs.
On the way back from the ice cream store, little brother pukes all over himself, thanks to the stress of the fighting, the candy, the ice cream, and that juice box Mom gave him on the way home. Too much of a good thing, I guess, but at least she meant well. Sometimes, Democrats and Moms just can’t help being generous to a fault.
After everything has been cleaned up, and the kids put to bed, Dad comes home, a little tipsy, and kind of red in the face. “What’s for supper? Eww, it smells like vomit in here! What stinks?” Mom starts toward him to get a hug and to cry on his shoulder, but stops three feet from him. “What stinks?” she asks mockingly. “From the smell of you, I’d say Johnny Walker and cheap perfume!”
They argue, then Dad storms out and doesn’t return for three hours. When he returns, he has a dozen roses in one hand, and in the other… a box of chocolates. Mom turns her back on him and stomps off to “her” bedroom. Dad attempts to follow, but trips in the dark over “his” suitcases in the hall.
He leaves, but before he’s gone a mile, he’s got his lawyer/girlfriend on the phone, ordering her to clean out the joint bank accounts and move it offshore.
Meanwhile, while little brother was sleeping, you put his hand in a cup of warm water and he pees himself in his sleep.
Well, it seems the similes crept back in. Or is it now satire?
Anyway, the moral of the story is this:
“Revenge is sweeter than chocolate! But in the end, everybody suffers.”
by Ronald Scott
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