RSS Feed for This PostCurrent Article

Are You Ready to Rapture?

It’s the end of the world today, you know. Any second now.

According to certain religious authorities, it’s nearing the time to brace yourself for the Big One! Earthquakes belching corpses from their graves around the world, as the truly Saved Souls are swept bodily into Heaven. I’m not entirely sure if I’m going. Probably not. I figure if I can identify any of the living who are heading skyward, I might be able to pick up some free stuff they won’t be needing anymore. I reckon that in itself disqualifies me. Dayum.

In case you haven’t heard the news, Saturday, May 21st is the day of the long-prophesized Rapture, as told in the Bible. You may have read about it in Doonesbury this week. Of course, these predictions of the End of Days have been around as long as the Bible. Probably longer. In fact, some Biblical scholars have hypothesized that the whole book of Revelations was something St. John expected to see in his lifetime when he wrote it. I always figured he was just eating the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Anyway, The Rapture will supposedly take place today, and then we’ll have several months of living Hell on Earth, as if things aren’t bad enough already!

But the Hell on Earth I’m talking about is literal, with cataclysms and havoc, fire and brimstone, and all the evil sinners of the world having their last flings, wantonly murdering, stealing, pillaging, plundering, and having a good old time of it, what with nothing left to live for and nothing to lose since they are already assured of eternal damnation. Might as well go out with a bang… or two.

And on what authority do we have it that this is our Last Weekend? Well, the last decent weekend anyway. Apparently we have the fervent and all-too-serious word of evangelist radio broadcaster Harold Camping, who is 89 years old and has literally done the math to proclaim once and for all that “This is it!” He says it will hit at 6 p.m. I assume that’s Pacific Daylight Time, since he broadcasts from California. I know, right? Where else?

Of course, he also predicted the same thing back in 1994, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t happen then. But this time, by G-d, he’s got it figured out! He calculates that today is exactly 7,000 years since the Great Flood of Noah Zark fame, and his earlier mistake shouldn’t count against him. He’s entitled to a mulligan, isn’t he?

His newest calculations are based on this equation: 4990 + 2011 – 1 = 7,000!

Of course! Eureka! Topeka! By George, I think he’s got it!

“Amazingly, May 21, 2011 is the 17th day of the 2nd month of the biblical calendar of our day. Remember, the flood waters also began on the 17th day of the 2nd month in the year 4990 B.C.,” he states on his Family Radio Christian network website.

Ooooooh! Eerie, isn’t it?

As proof of his conviction that this is really going to happen, consider this: A recent caller to his radio show asked if monetary donations to his ministry to help them spread the word of the coming Apocalypse would be refunded if the Rapture didn’t occur as he predicts. The reverend Camping thundered in his deepest, most convincing tones, “This is going to happen. Millions will die. It’s going to be horrible.”

Wow. Now I’m really starting to watch the clock!

I’m really curious about the folks who take this to heart. Have they cancelled their insurance policies and yanked their kids out of school so they can sit in prayer circles waiting for Jesus to swoop down and scoop them up as a whole family at once? What if one of the kids isn’t a true believer? Will they just wave ba-bye as they fly away on angel’s wings? “Sorry, Billy, you should have believed us!” That doesn’t seem very Christian to me. Seems like one of the parents, or an older sibling at least, would stay and comfort the little sinful bastard for the next five months until You Know Who ends it all permanently in His infinite and incalculable wisdom on October 21st, right in the middle of the World Series.

I keep thinking about this couple I had the displeasure to know a few years back when I was at a low point in my life and took a (thankfully short-term) job at a used car dealership as Marketing Manager. That’s a euphemistic title for spammer and telemarketer. Anyway, this couple that owned the place was so evangelistic and hypocritical, it was literally hard to stomach. They were as sweet as treacle one minute and blithely ripping off the most destitute among us in the next moment. The husband once told me, “I believe every word of the Bible, from Genesis to Revelations, and that’s what I live by.” They were once discussing strategies for selling cars by offering easy credit at high interest rates to low income people, and someone said something about customers paying off that $4,000 car “till Kingdom Come,” and the wife said, “Well, then it won’t matter to me ‘cause I won’t be here! I’ll be up there!”

Man, just remembering it, I need an Alka Seltzer.

So how many times has the end of the world been forecast? And how many of them were wrong? Anyone want to take bets on this one?

I’ll tell you what, if the guy’s right, we’ll all be too miserable to think about trying to benefit from the sudden disappearance of the holier-than-us. We won’t be able to go around to their houses and clean out the loot because there won’t be any. According to the Bible, it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. If that’s true, and a certain used car dealer has assured me that every word of the Bible is literal fact, then those being Raptured will be the poorest among us. Didn’t Jesus Himself say something to the effect of “Blessed are the poor, for they shall inherit the Earth?”

Now wait, I’m getting confused. The rich can’t go to Heaven, and the poor will inherit the Earth, and from what I understand, property values are about to go completely to Hell. So then where does that leave the Middle Class?

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll make the cut after all! God damn, America! I’m saved!

Oops!  Does that count? Can I get a mulligan on that?

  • Pingback: Today Is The First Day of the Last Year of the World As We Know It : NO QUARTER

  • Anonymous

    elaine..Google is our friend, sometimes. I found this.. http://www.haarp.alaska.edu/ which is about aural research up in Alaska.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_23AF6XKYPQPDVVAEPFKBAQPG5Q Steve_in_KC

    To those of you who still remain here on Earth, thank you for sticking around! Personally, I didn’t see anybody disappear, so the world is still full of sinners, as usual. What a relief!

  • http://noquarterusa foxyladi14

    :lol:

  • http://noquarterusa foxyladi14

    I grew up on that song.love all the old gospel songs.
    while I have the floor.
    every time I post it takes me back to the top of the page.:lol:

  • http://noquarterusa foxyladi14

    isn’t he the one doing the taking up???? :)

  • elizabhethrc

    Perhaps the Rev. Camping should be tried in a court of law for fraud. He’s raked in millions by telling people that they must divest themselves of all their worldly good (including bank accounts).
    A la Bernie Madoff in a different set of robes!
    The ignorant twerp should spend the rest of his life wearing orange.

  • Kenoshamarge

    I don’t think you get to take anything when you are ‘raptured’ OA. Even you clothes. Buck naked you came in and evidently buck naked you leave. Although I have to admit that speaking strictly for myself, I was far more appealing naked back then than I am now.

  • Mr. Natural

    Hey, Marge…what if, “You can’t take it with you,” is just more bulljive?

    What if, when you get to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says,

    “Marge: Where’s your stuff?”

  • Cathy in Ks.

    Steve I totally forgot about the “end of the world” until I checked out your blog here on NQ. But we’re still here at least for the moment. However, I probably need to go check downstairs on my husband and son. Maybe they left without me.

  • EllenD

    This website is temporarily unavailable. Please check back later.
    Unfortunately there were no suitable nodes available to serve this request.

    Fourth try. I’ll take an unsuitable node.

  • elaine

    Thanks oowawa, It’s interesting they claim they’ll let any scientist in to check it out. I wonder why it’s attracted so many conspiracy theorists?

  • oowawa
  • elaine

    Is it time to play “Loosing My Religion” by R.E.M. for those pitiful people who went all in on this May 21st, 2011 prediction or should we hold off playing it until Wednesday due to Onofre’s mathamatical adjustment?

    No feed back on the H.A.A.R.P. weapon???

  • PortiaElizabeth

    I am soooo disappointed! I’d been thoughtful enough to volunteer to take all the jewelry and designer shoes of the people going, and now they haven’t left. How inconsiderate of them!

  • http://comcast Madame DeFarge

    Like, like, like, Cindy!

  • Ferd Not-My-Site-(click to edit) Berfle

    how is it possible that 8% of the population view the economy as good or excellent. Oh yes, the economy is effin excellent.
    =========================
    Those 8% work for the Administration, apparently. Life is good when you let others do the work for you.

  • oowawa

    Two words: Hadron Collider.

    Okay, two more words: Black Hole.

  • makeji

    Dogs and cats – don’t think I want to be in heaven with those who are going to get scooped up.

  • seattlegonz

    how is it possible that 8% of the population view the economy as good or excellent. Oh yes, the economy is effin excellent.

  • kinthenorthwest

    test…tryine to see if I am just typing into air…

  • requiredreading

    “I remember a few years back when a certain shyster by the name of Oral Roberts told his followers that if he didn’t get “x” number of dollars in contributions, he would be called home. He got the money but was also called “home”, although a few years late.”
    ———————————————-
    Ferd — this reminded me of the (true) story of the President of one of the post-Soviet “stans” (Kyrgyzstan, I think) who one day declared himself “President for Life” and who inexplicably and unexpectedly died of natural causes a week later at a young age.
    Hah! Truth is funnier than fiction…..

  • EllenD

    I liked OA’s comment about PONG but there seems to be nowhere to put a LIKE.
    It’s after 6:30 here in Pacific Time.
    I’m sorta frustrated with the posting of comments right now so maybe that’s the closest to Hell we’ll get to today.

  • requiredreading

    There was a video on the Drudge Report todao of protests at the White House after BO made his “no defensible borders for Israel” speech. Apparently this video had been posted on youtube and mysteriously disappeared not long after.
    Key element of video: Very articulate Jewish Democrat from Florida who voted for BO in 2008 lambasting our Child-in-Charge (with a bow to OA) about his complete idiocy; looks like Florida will be in the red come 2012. Bye Bye Bump!

  • Cindy

    elaine—P.S. and I DO love I’ll Fly Away—–used to sing it to all my nursing home friends.

  • requiredreading

    Onofre’s arm | May 21, 2011 | Reply

    RR,when you write “C-i-C”, are you referring to the “Child-in-Charge”? Just want to know if we’re thinking about the same person. And if so, do you really think there’s any possibility that He’ll be taken up
    ——————————————–

    OA — on Good Lord no; I think there’s no chance of Obi-One being taken UP; in fact, I have great hopes that he’ll be taken DOWN, and before the FBI gets on my ISP address, I mean that allegorically, as in “taken down” at the next election.

    For reasons that I think that is more than just Hope, see my next post.

  • Cindy

    elaine—I understand…Thanks!

  • elaine

    Has anyone heard anything about a weapon known as H.A.A.R.P? Supposedly it can cause earthquakes, storms, etc

  • cookiegramma

    I for one am glad the prediction was wrong, my daughter is now enjoying her senior prom.

  • http://Website West Virginia
  • carol haka, Matzo

    Where do I apply? I know how to push all of yeeeee’s buttons! I could make a fortune. :)

  • carol haka, Matzo

    Rumors Palin bought a $1.6M dollar house yesterday in Northern Scottsdale, AZ.

    She’s running!

    :0 :)

  • elaine

    Cindy, I don’t want to whip a mule to death here…You’re correct the word, the actual word i.e. “Rapture” is not in the Bible, however the verses I gave you about “being taken up in the air” are what the doctrine is based on.

  • carol haka, Matzo

    ……………… and I didn’t know nuthin’ about no pending rapture ……. :)