I don’t claim to be an English scholar, but I do understand basic conventions about spelling and pronouning English words. Why is the media and most pundits insisting on pronouncing Sandra Fluke’s last name as “FLUCK.” What the fluck is going on?

Let’s do a simple test. How do you pronounce “Luke?” Does “Luke” rhyme with “Luck?” Nope. How about “puke?” Is “puke” an alternative way of spelling “puck?”

Personally, I want to puke or use a nuke when Fluke is pronouced as Fluck. It is a fluking nightmare to insist that fluke is actually fluck. Since when does “fluke” rhyme with buck, truck, fuck, duck, muck, luck and suck.

I know some of you are very creative. How about some haikus featuring words that rhyme with fluke and fuck. If Sandra Fluke really is a Fuck with an L, then let’s explain the etymology of that word. I don’t get it. Of course, I don’t get how a girl attending one of the priciest law schools in America has time to “fluke” around and engage in consensual sex with a frequency that requires, per her calculus, more than $3000 worth of contraceptives. That level of sexual activity is indicative of someone who is psychologically ill or, to paraphrase Rush Limbaugh, a morally skanky person who loves the penis.

How much? A twelve pack of condoms (on the internet) cost $9 dollars. If you take Flukes claim at face value, she needs $3000 worth of contraceptives in a year. Divide $3000 by $9 and multiply by 12. That gives you 4000 condoms. Divide that by 365 days. That means Fluke is getting nailed almost 11 times a day, every day. Now, we can all agree that she has a “special” time of the month when she probably does not feel up to getting “fluked.” Right? So that means she is getting laid more that a carpet at a rug store.

Come to think of it, is that level of sexual activity normal? Or is it more associated with a prostitute or a slut?

Am I “flucked” up? What do you think?

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Larry C. Johnson is a former analyst at the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, who moved subsequently in 1989 to the U.S. Department of State, where he served four years as the deputy director for transportation security, antiterrorism assistance training, and special operations in the State Department's Office of Counterterrorism. He left government service in October 1993 and set up a consulting business. He currently is the co-owner and CEO of BERG Associates, LLC (Business Exposure Reduction Group) and is an expert in the fields of terrorism, aviation security, and crisis and risk management, and money laundering investigations. Johnson is the founder and main author of No Quarter, a weblog that addresses issues of terrorism and intelligence and politics. NoQuarterUSA was nominated as Best Political Blog of 2008.