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Cavuto: “How to Get a Piece of the Bailout Pie”

By Uppity Woman on November 22, 2008 at 12:55 PM in Current Affairs

th_oliver2I think that Neil Cavuto offers the Big Three and anybody else considering begging for some free money from Congress the very best advice on how to Get Money. This advice would be particularly useful to the Big Three who arrived last week in DC in their own separate private jets.

Step one: Look depressed — really depressed. Never smile. Remember, you’re too depressed to smile.

Step two: Wear a really cheap suit. If it isn’t ripped, rip it. Tell folks it’s your last one — you left the others behind as blankets for your kids.

Step three: Keep insisting it’s for those kids — not you, the kids. Even people who hate kids know their constituents love kids. Tell them yours are sleeping on the street. Bring pictures, if you can, of passersby kicking them on the street. That also creates rage — you want pity and rage.

Step four: When they take a break and offer you food, don’t eat it. Wrap it up in a napkin and say you’re taking it back to aforementioned kids, freezing on aforementioned street, under aforementioned old suits of yours.

Step five: Keep telling anyone who asks that your workers are really upset too and many have guns. Actually, for the hell of it, say most have guns and just leave it at that.

Step six: Don’t do the “me-too” thing. It’s obvious everyone’s getting rescued. Tell them your case is different. You truly are pathetic.

Step seven: Bring a bunch of pills with you to the hearing. I mean a lot of them — all sizes, different colors — and keep taking them throughout the questioning. Say you’re “on the edge.” That’ll worry them. And twitch — twitch a lot. Nothing gets people more nervous than to be around a dude who’s twitching. For good measure, talk to yourself too.

There you go. I can’t say this will get you bailed out, but I can say it’ll make it a lot harder not to bail you out.

So go on out there, in your tattered suit, carrying your bottles of medication, twitching and talking to yourself all the way and go get ‘em! You have a cherished tradition to continue.

  • http://ontheseventhday.wordpress.com/ Al

    Interesting post…too bad the gentleman(Mr. Houseman) who did the old SmithBarney commercials isn’t on the congressional panel to offer his words of wisdom to the Big Three automakers…”we make money the old-fashioned way, we earn it”.

    http://ontheseventhday.wordpress.com/

  • CentralMass

    Cavuto cheer leaded this incompetent administration and corrupt Wall St on every step of the way over these last 8 yrs. Pardon me if I ignore him.

    • tek

      Oh, okay. I knew the name was familiar, but couldn’t place him on one side or the other. Funny, how so many people who cheerleaded Bush/Cheney are now gaga over Obama.

      • CentralMass

        Me? No Obama supporter here.

  • TeakWoodKite

    Al, so true.

  • beaming

    I’m a veteran, 57 yo, self employed 32 of those. Paid taxes since forever it seems, with the possible exception of the Carter years. I’m a custom home builder, those were tough years. Looks like 2009 will be bad too.

    Could I just have some of the taxes I have paid over all those years back as my bailout ? Then I’ll retire and the government will have one less person to worry about.

  • SantaFeK

    Ah, for that matter they’ll cheer lead and kiss up to the Obama bunch too. We’ll see deja vu all over again.

    • CentralMass

      MSNBC etc.. has been far worse cheer leading Obama the Fox etc.. was w/Bush

  • makewaves

    Right now, there are millions of homes being foreclosed on – those with good credit but their house is so near worthless cuz either they can’t sell it cuz the market is saturated with like homes or they can’t get new financing on the old loan cuz the house is worth way less than what they paid for it.

    How about a little govt help for them? You know, just so our economy doesn’t completely go in the crapper. That makes way more sense than helping out some big cheese dicks that don’t have the sense G gave a goose to show up all fancified.

    Also, there are homes along our coastlines being sold to foreigners. There shud be national security concern but hey – if u got the bling…

  • Esther Morgenstern

    Instead of bailing out all these big corporations and Wallstreet etc., they should take our money ( 700 billion or whatever is left ) and give it back to us, send us a check. We’ll be glad to get the economy back on track, if we had the money to spend. We’ll buy cars and TV’s, big Ticket Items, a nice big check would certainly be welcome in every american Household.