BREAKING! V.P. Joe Biden has canceled his Tampa trip “to coincide with” the GOP Convention out of an “‘abundance of caution’” to ensure “local law enforcement and emergency management resources” can focus on those “who might be impacted by the storm” and “those attending the activities.” I am verklempt.

NOW! Being a Gutfeld Girl is the same as being an Obama Girl except I don’t have fake boobs and I can’t vote for Gutfeld to be president. Damn it all.

Wait! That’s a presidency I’d buy tickets to see! Actually, it might be a damn fine presidency! Except when he talks about unicorns during his State of the Union address. What would Nancy Pelosi do then? Maybe laugh and break her face?

How does he do it? On TWO shows daily — The Five and Red Eye with Greg Gutfled — Gutfeld writes and delivers his own material. He doesn’t have a team of writers, creating jokes a la Jon Stewart (ahem). Nope. Gutfeld comes up with all of it since he’s so unique it’d be nearly impossible for another writer to simulate his style.

Here is “‘Red Eye’ recreates Prince Harry’s wild night” — with The Five‘s Andrea Tantaros:

Here’s the gang at Red Eye mocking various criticisms of Paul Ryan:

Oh c-r-a-p. I can’t decide which ones to keep up and which to toss away. So just go to hell go here and laugh all by yourselves.

P.S. Here’s Bill Schulz:

Highly recommended: “Rocker says Obama staged Colorado, Sikh temple shootings.” That “rocker” is certifiably LOONEY TUNES.

I’m hopeless … hopelessly bunched over in a fit of giggles whenever Greg is on. When I’m watching Greg, my semi-feral cat actually comes out from under my bed to make sure I’m alright.

P.P.S. My cat’s name is Moo-Moosie. Don’t you dare ask why.