What lousy debate ”moderators” we have had lately!  Where do they get these people?  Are they chosen by lots from a pool of “worst possible so-called journalists?”

First off, are they ALL from left-leaning news sources?  Has there been even one who wasn’t?  What, no Charles Krauthammer?  No George Will?  Not even a Chris Wallace?  Feh!  You may as well make the Republican get multiple tongue piercings the day of the debate!  That would be more fair.

I think they should have two moderators at each debate, one from each political party.  You could have Rush Limbaugh and Chris Matthews as one combative team, and Ann Coulter and Mika Brzezinski tossing out questions and displaying overt favoritism at another.  What fun!

Maybe the moderators could join in the debate for real, instead of just inserting themselves among the candidates to favor the Democrat.  It could be like tag team wrestling!  If one of the moderators got out of line, the other could pop him upside the head with a giant Nerf bat.

If nothing else, these debates need some control.  It’s so unfair that one candidate gets to talk on and on well after their allotted time has expired, no matter which party they represent.  I say give em’ two minutes, tops, and that’s it!  It could be as simple as audible prompts, as I heard done in at least one of the Republican debates.

To start with, a simple warning that their time is nearly up.  A nice soft mellow tone like a vibraphone, the instrument used for the famous NBC three-note logo.  A simple little “bing” as the ten-second warning to finish your point quickly.

If the candidate continues to talk beyond the warning tone, progress to the sound of a huge Chinese gong  — “BONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!”  You know, like on the Gong Show of the 70s?   And if they still won’t shut the hell up, they can resort to the sound that just seems to scream “SHUT UP YOU LOSER!”  A harsh disharmonic “BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

Anyone who ignores these warnings should just have their microphone turned off while the moderator scolds them in impolite tones.  Something like, “I’m sorry, sir, but you were given THREE warnings!  THREE!  And you wouldn’t give this audience the consideration of shutting your yap, as the rules clearly state.  So since you refused to be a good citizen and follow the same rules as your opponent, I’ve shut off your microphone and I’m now going to give your opponent an EXTRA TURN to speak.  How do like them apples, Mr. Big Shot?

“And if you do it again!?  We’ll not only turn off your microphone, we’ll turn off your spotlights and you can just sit there in the dark.  Don’t you give me that look!  Don’t you dare!  Don’t make me come over there!  I’ve got duct tape right here, mister, and I’m not afraid to use it!”

And the Number One rule for debate monitors should be:  NO SO-CALLED “FACT CHECKING” during the debate, not even if you are 100% convinced you have the facts, because there’s a damn good chance you don’t!  Facts are often a matter of interpretation, full of weasel words and shaded meanings.  Save the fact checking for Snopes and Wikipedia.  Or genuine authorities on facts, like Professor Irwin Corey!

Any or all of these things would be a huge improvement on the debate system we currently have.  Especially the Nerf bat!!