I am making this five-minute video so that you know why I invested my money in Switzerland and in Caribbean nations. The Democrats have attacked me for that, Republicans too. We’ve patched things up, and I am making this video BEFORE my official campaign begins, early this summer, because you need to know why. I worry about my family a lot. Ann, all five of my wonderful sons, their wives, their children — my precious grandchildren — and my sisters and brothers too. I worry a lot about all of you too.

Forgive me for the length of the video and for the many times we’ll run it on every TV station in the U.S. But I want to make sure that as many of you see this as possible. So you know me better, whether you like me or not.*

OH! In case you wondered if I’ve really ever worked and struggled and worried? Look at me up yonder in that video at Staples. [The video is below.] That’s me at the very FIRST Staples, stocking shelves, and me talking to all the great workers. [I almost didn’t invest in that company!]

See the women in that video? Oh, I worry about women a lot. Will you all find jobs? Will you get Social Security and Medicare? Your kids. Will they get to see doctors, dentists, have good teachers, go to safe schools. Your moms and dads. You worry too, I bet. Women, we WILL look out for you. Rather than help you buy birth control for $9/month, you handle that, and I’ll worry about your Social Security and Medicare? The big ticket items.

You see, we’re just alike after all. You have families, moms and dads, children, grandkids, aunts and uncles, and you care about them too. Well, I must be the luckiest man in this beautiful country of ours. I had a terrific mom and dad. My dad sold goods out of the trunk of his car to pay for his honeymoon. Well, my mom. She told me about that. I was her youngest, we were very close and I helped run her campaign for the U.S. Senate. What spunk she had! Anyway, my mom confessed she worried about this young handsome guy she married. (Those are photos of them in the same upper right corner. No video in those days, sadly.) She wondered, “Was he ever going to earn a decent living? I was on my way to being a famous Hollywood actress, and I gave up all dreams for my husband and our many children?” Well, lucky me. They had me, and here I am.

Many years ago, before I had decided to run for president, I worried about all of my family and what would happen if something catastrophic happened in the U.S. So I did what any wise business manager might do — how wise am I? Well I try. I set up Swiss and Caribbean accounts in banks friends recommended. I wanted my family to be safe and to have money, wherever they might be, so I spread it around a little. Just in case. So far, so good.

I don’t think you can have more than $250,000 [?] in a single bank so it’s protected by the good ol’ U.S.A. So we all spread our money around, us lucky few. Maybe you have special savings accounts just in case? Bronwyn puts $25 per month in her bitsy savings account and watches it build [slowly]. See her in that video up younger, on your right side? See how she tries to walk? We’re helping her and so are a lot of great people who care. You had to see her and she let me videotape her.

* Nope, NO running ads just in battleground states. People have relatives who watch these videos and talk about them on the phone. ALL over the nation. We will run this ad in every state. Even those West Coast states. I know you’ll vote for Barack Obama. Hey, I’m impressed with him too! Look at how far he’s come in life. But I know money. That’s my specialty. I worry about every nickel we spend.

ANN (that’s her, same corner) goes to COSTCO all by herself and shops for me. She bought me this shirt. It’s nice, isn’t it. It’s not made by some tailor on Rodeo Drive.

Well, Barack’s close confidantes do that, but they share their money too…. Even Sean Penn who’s kind of a b______d, but he stayed in Haiti for months! Helping Haitians! Where in the hell did HE stay? In a ritzy hotel? I doubt it. He maybe got a small room somewhere, took along a couple bottles of booze and a LOT of cigarettes. He LOVES to smoke. That’s him on Charlie Rose…. Charlie lets him smoke on air because he is a good man in many ways. He’s not a great husband but he loves his kids, and he worries about kids all over the world. Yeah, a LOT of people refused to see the movie in which he portrayed the courageous Ambassador to Iraq, Joseph Wilson and his wife, Valerie Plame Wilson, and their two twins (well, not on camera, just to protect them too). See? That’s not right. Joe Wilson opposes torture, as does Larry Johnson up there in the right corner. He is going to be my TEMPORARY adviser on national security affairs. Larry hates D.C. bureaucracy. Well, maybe I’ll bring him in to help us solve the BENGHAZI MESS! Larry knows almost (a11!) about it. Writes about it constantly.

And those videos will be easier to find. Who in the hell would ever think to type “romneycomms” to find my videos? We did that at first, but we realized, quickly, that that was a dumb idea. So, you can find my video at Romney.com.

[Bronwyn, portraying Mitt: And since some folks have a hard time with spelling, we bought up a bunch of domain names. Romey.com, Romy.com, Rumy.com, Mitt.com, Mit.com — whatever we could think of so that people could FIND OUR SITE EASILY. AND! Our 800 number? See that at the top left of the screen? I want you to call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We have many departments, so bear with us while you get switched to the perfect department for you. But don’t worry if you can’t decide. Press ZERO, and our friendly operators will connect you to the right people immediately.]

(I managed to find a phone number for the Romney campaign a few months ago, to call and cite the concerns below and above. I got a sole message, left a message, prayed someone would get it. I have no clue if they did. There were NO departments for DONATIONS (HELLO???? GOP????? MAKE IT EASY FOR PEOPLE TO F–KING DONATE!) Let’s be practical. That’s choice #1 on the message menu.

The media? Well, I guess the big outfits had the connections to get on board those press planes. The rest of the “little guys” in small towns newspapers? They had to fill out a form on Mitt’s Web site and pray someone would SEE IT IN TIME before the event. Hell, they probably didn’t bother. They lugged themselves and a camera to the event, tried to take photos that were probably lousy, paid A.P. a lot of money for a single stock photo of Mitt or skipped that altogether, wrote the damn story, and wiped their hands of it, kinda hopin’ he wouldn’t come back. But he did. And he did. He TRIED hard. But, gee, IF THERE HAD BEEN A CHOICE ON THE PHONE MESSAGE — CLICK 2 if you’re media — and he could have talked to a nice person who emailed him photos, videos, whatever he wanted, his life would have been SO much easier.

People like you and me? 3, 4, 5 … whatever gets the job done. IN MY REAL LIFE, I have phone calls to make so I’m not even going to proof this. There are PROBABLY LOTS OF TYPOS. I’ll fix those later. Hugs, and I’ll be back soonest.

P.S. Oh. [Bronwyn: Well, the race is over now, so I can spill the beans. Mitt IS frugal. I looked at his source code for his Web site, because I’m curious how people set up their sites, and which META tags to use. I noticed that the word “BAIN” appeared throughout every single page of the source code for his Web site. So, someone “borrowed” the source code from Bain, and pasted it into the new Romney for President site.

That’s what I’d do too, once I figure out Cascading Stylesheets, hopefully soon, because I’m trying to save Larry some money, and he has paid a large amount of money for various CSS specialists because I wasn’t sure I could learn it. I have a whole lot of worries myself. Anyway, I found it disturbing that whoever used “BAIN” did not STOP AND THINK.

REMOVE the word BAIN. IT is SO EASY TO DO. Use Search/Replace, type in “Bain-,” and leave the Replace area empty. Then it is ALL gone. Rinse and repeat. (One of my favorite phrases I say to myself as i go about my various tasks, mostly trying to organize all my notes, insurance cards, medical records, prescription receipts and descriptions of side effects. I am keeping ALL of that because I have some BIG PLANS for all of that information. Oh yes I do. Someday, a whole lot of people … at least hundreds, thousands will know if I file a lawsuit if I can find an attorney [NOTE TO SELF: Call more good attorneys and find one. The first couple were ambulance chasers who were SO BUSY suing the very same people that I want to sue that they do not have time to take another suit against the same people. Yeah. That is NOT good. BY THE WAY, that medical outfit … I have to dash. Later! 🙂 MORE TO COME.

One more thing:

Watch When Mitt Romney Bet On Staples on PBS. See more from FRONTLINE.

See how easy that all could have been? Run it in every state. Five minutes — maybe (?) 10. Make ONE NAME FOR EVERYTHING. GIVE PEOPLE A FUCKING PHONE NUMBER … oh … 1-800-ROM-NEY! (1-800- …) Whatever. It IS EASY. TO COMMUNICATE. IMPORTANT THINGS.